dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
