so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The best revenge is premature balding
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
