You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
