"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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