It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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