So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize