You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
