Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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