we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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