id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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