did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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