wanna go halves on a baby?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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