My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Mom said you looked used
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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