I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
