Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You can't motorboat a personality
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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