John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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