i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
