Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
