I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
