i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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