i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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