i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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