the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
