I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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