The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I don't deserve a penis
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
