Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
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