I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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