did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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