People in love make me want to vomit
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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