Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
