I wanna passion pit in your ass
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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