her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
why do cheetos always look like penises
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
