We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
