My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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