I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
