My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
