I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
