sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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