You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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