Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
