def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
