My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
