Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
