So drunk its hurt
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
