distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
