4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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