I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
