The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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