the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize