I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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