Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
