cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
