i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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