if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
