I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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